he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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