the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
