I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
