Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Couch. On fire.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
