either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my shit smells like andre
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
