i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
