Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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