I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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