I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
