i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
ok first of all what the fuck
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
