Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you had me at cake vodka
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
