Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The adults are the big ones right?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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