she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
