He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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