Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
