I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She told me I should be a condom model.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
