You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
