I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
