Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you didnt know i had herpes?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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