there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
