We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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