I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
