Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
