If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there's paper in my vomit.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
