Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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