Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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