I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Also, beer. Big fan.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
