And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
