i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize