I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize