let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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