I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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