note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
