its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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