we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
