omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
