I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
