Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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