He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
