My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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