please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize