Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
