he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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