and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He passed out mid-signature
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
