I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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