I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My liver just had a heart attack.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
