with your own penis?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
how drunk are you?
Several
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize