u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
