What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
