Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This is the high leading the old right now
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
