I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
