You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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