My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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