i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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