I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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