He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
