I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
