I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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