I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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