I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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