somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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