note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
