I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
