On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Pooping to opera.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize