Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
